Some days I just want my old life back. I know that everything happens for a reason. And while I usually fully embrace this theory, it doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes go kicking and screaming against it.
Emotionally, my bucket runs over. Even though my bravery, courage and strength were challenged by my health, today I have meaningful connections with others, I live my life filled with passion, and I am open to life’s many possibilities.
Physically, I am frustrated where I am. I had a Trans-Ischemic Attack (TIA) two nights ago. We were told that these can occur post- surgeries and they did. I suffered three within the month after my surgeries- and haven’t had one since. Out of the blue on Monday night, I had trouble reading the first sentence of Zack’s book. My face then went numb and then my left side felt heavy. I called Brian who helped me calm down. I think I started panicking which resulted in heart palpitations. I moved to my bed. He handed me a Xanax and I worked at calming down. The slight numbness remains still two days later.
We played the why game…was I dehydrated due to the temperature change? Did I do too much last week between DC advocacy and Girl Scout camping? Was it a blood pressure issue? Were my emotions running to high? Is something majorly wrong?
Post TIA, I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I have been exhausted so have been sleeping whenever I can. I feel dehydrated so I keep drinking water. And I have this headache that won’t fully subside. Even as I write this, it worries me…so I turn to my husband.
Fortunately, Brian is calm and reminds me that the surgeons said this could happen occasionally. I recall how many fellow Moyamoya patients suffer TIAs often (I read on our FB page) but I still didn’t expect myself to have them. I don’t know if it was positive thinking or naiveté but I planned to go TIA and stroke free forever. But that isn’t the case.
Today, I am frustrated. I just saw a photo from two years ago and I miss that Lisa. The Lisa that was physically in the best shape of my life, 25 pounds thinner than I am today. The Lisa that was regularly physically active without fear. The Lisa that had finally figured out a goal with ISurvivor and serving as a National Spokesperson. The Lisa who could parent easily and without worry that I’m scarring my children from my surgeries.
I know it’s okay to wallow at times, and getting it out on paper helps me. So now I try to remember the positives of the 2015 Lisa. The 2015 Lisa didn’t know that her brain was at risk of a stroke. The Lisa who didn’t remember how therapeutic and healing it felt to journal and share her story. The Lisa that fell back into the busy rat race of life and forgot to appreciate the little things. The Lisa that didn’t remember how strong she was until she was forced to find out.
So I need to move forward. I can’t get old Lisa back but can work to gain the parts I want. I just hate that I’m physically scared to move forward with exercise, diet, etc. I want to get it back but can’t seem to get past that fear. Fortunately, I am an ever evolving project.
As always, thanks to those of you who read this and support me.