Some days I just want my old life back…

Some days I just want my old life back. I know that everything happens for a reason. And while I usually fully embrace this theory, it doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes go kicking and screaming against it.

Emotionally, my bucket runs over. Even though my bravery, courage and strength were challenged by my health, today I have meaningful connections with others, I live my life filled with passion, and I am open to life’s many possibilities.

Physically, I am frustrated where I am. I had a Trans-Ischemic Attack (TIA) two nights ago. We were told that these can occur post- surgeries and they did. I suffered three within the month after my surgeries- and haven’t had one since. Out of the blue on Monday night, I had trouble reading the first sentence of Zack’s book. My face then went numb and then my left side felt heavy. I called Brian who helped me calm down. I think I started panicking which resulted in heart palpitations. I moved to my bed. He handed me a Xanax and I worked at calming down. The slight numbness remains still two days later.

We played the why game…was I dehydrated due to the temperature change? Did I do too much last week between DC advocacy and Girl Scout camping? Was it a blood pressure issue? Were my emotions running to high? Is something majorly wrong?

Post TIA, I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I have been exhausted so have been sleeping whenever I can. I feel dehydrated so I keep drinking water. And I have this headache that won’t fully subside. Even as I write this, it worries me…so I turn to my husband.

Fortunately, Brian is calm and reminds me that the surgeons said this could happen occasionally. I recall how many fellow Moyamoya patients suffer TIAs often (I read on our FB page) but I still didn’t expect myself to have them. I don’t know if it was positive thinking or naiveté but I planned to go TIA and stroke free forever. But that isn’t the case.

Today, I am frustrated. I just saw a photo from two years ago and I miss that Lisa. The Lisa that was physically in the best shape of my life, 25 pounds thinner than I am today. The Lisa that was regularly physically active without fear. The Lisa that had finally figured out a goal with ISurvivor and serving as a National Spokesperson. The Lisa who could parent easily and without worry that I’m scarring my children from my surgeries.

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I know it’s okay to wallow at times, and getting it out on paper helps me. So now I try to remember the positives of the 2015 Lisa. The 2015 Lisa didn’t know that her brain was at risk of a stroke. The Lisa who didn’t remember how therapeutic and healing it felt to journal and share her story. The Lisa that fell back into the busy rat race of life and forgot to appreciate the little things. The Lisa that didn’t remember how strong she was until she was forced to find out.

So I need to move forward. I can’t get old Lisa back but can work to gain the parts I want. I just hate that I’m physically scared to move forward with exercise, diet, etc. I want to get it back but can’t seem to get past that fear. Fortunately, I am an ever evolving project.

As always, thanks to those of you who read this and support me.

Two Decades

This past Sunday was a momentous anniversary for me- the 20th year anniversary of my first stroke. TWO DECADES!! It’s wild.

While it was heavy on my mind, I didn’t focus on my personal situation on Sunday since it was my son’s First Communion. I couldn’t think of a better celebration/distraction than his special day. And it was lovely- a beautiful day of faith, hope, grace and love. And in that way, as I look back, this dreaded day twenty years ago was also filled with faith, hope, grace and love.

My son on his First Communion Day

I still think about May 7, 1997 with a myriad of emotions… sadness, regret, unrealized dreams, and lost opportunities but also gratefulness, appreciation for life, deep emotional connections and continuous hope.

I have been mentally dwelling on this anniversary for the past few months. Mostly because I wanted to have a book written by this date…but that was just an arbitrary date set…and I am happy to report that I am working on a book, so hope it comes to fruition soon. (Add inspiring author onto my resume!)

I look back at that day the week before college graduation when I heard the words, “You’ve had a stroke.” I see my frazzled Mom arriving in my Washington, DC hospital room after an emergency rushed flight from Rhode Island. I remember all the friends who stopped by the hospital to bid me well even as they were on their way to our Booze Cruise Senior Week celebration, which I was supposed to be attending. I recall walking into the tan, sterile Emergency Room alone and noticing the sign listing the stroke symptoms- and realizing that I had all of them. I remember the friends who dropped me at the hospital and sat with me through the procedures and terrifying news. Mostly, I recall the fear of a stroke diagnosis, the throbbing pain of my headache and numbness of my left side, and the awful spinal tap (performed by a student doctor who had never done one before and missed my spine three times!) which diagnosed my stroke.

Lisa’s college graduation.

I also embarrassingly remember how naïve and optimistic I was about my life before that day and still struggle with that sense of loss. Until that point in my life, I had always worked hard to be an overachiever. I always gave it my all in sports, studied hard and received almost straight A’s in school and worked throughout school to be financially sound. I even worked really hard at having fun in college. I didn’t have a passion or purpose but know I was set up for success. I was ready to jump into the business world and give it my all. I literally had a start date ready at Andersen Consulting. I even had a tentative life plan…work a little while at Andersen Consulting (hopefully traveling to see the country) and then go get my MBA. I had California in my mind for that. I assumed I would get married one day and have a family. I never planned to be a stay-at-home Mom but I would be a good Mom. I just had this plan that I was ready to tackle life and have fun.

I didn’t even know it at the time but those dreams went out the window on May 7, 1997 with my stroke diagnosis. I mourn this loss- still to this day. I do a lot of wondering what could have been, should have been or might have been. However, I am older and wiser so I know that life happens while you’re busy planning. God had a different plan for me and despite kicking and screaming against it, I am living His wonderful, perfect plan.

Our family today.

I have learned that I am exactly where I am supposed to me. My life is just what it is supposed to be. I am married to an amazing husband and have two kids who literally make my heart burst (with joy most of the time…;) I don’t have a career but I have a fulfilling, passion filled life that I have created despite my limitations. My life of advocacy and volunteerism has more meaning than I could ever have dreamed of. I am here for my children; I help other survivors and patients; my story inspires others facing adversity; and I most importantly, I am here.

Twenty years ago I never would have believed you if you told me that I would go on to have four strokes, two brain surgeries, two rare disease diagnosis, chemo, menopause, trouble speaking, occupational therapy and many TIAs …but also a wonderful, loving family of my own, a safe nice home and fun beach house with my parents, a “job” where I get to speak to hundreds of people, a blog, a non-profit organization, life experiences through travel and the best friends and family I can ask for.

I don’t say this all to brag, but to remind myself that life is good. I mourn the loss I experienced twenty years ago yet appreciate the ride that life has given me. It hasn’t gone as planned but with acceptance and patience, I am living God’s will and cautiously celebrating twenty years of overcoming!

 

Meet my #HeroOfOptimism

My husband is my #HeroOfOptimism for his unwavering support and calmness during the most tumultuous year of my life.

IMG_1439While perusing Twitter and FaceBook last week, I noticed a #LifeIsGood post asking people to share their Heroes of Optimism.  I immediately thought of my calm and positive husband, Brian.  He isn’t a fan of personal publicity but I would like to share this with my friends and family.

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Just over a year ago, as a 39-year-old mother of two, I suffered a fourth stroke. I had suffered three strokes in my early twenties and underwent debilitating treatment. Fortunately, I had been living a somewhat normal life for fourteen years when my fourth stroke occurred. After my last stroke, I was shocked to be diagnosed with a new rare brain disease, Moyamoya disease. There is no cure for Moyamoya but treatment is brain surgery I soon learned that I would need not just one but two brain surgeries. With the help of my husband, we made the courageous decision to travel across the country to a premier neurosurgeon for bilateral brain bypass surgeries.

With two children under ten, Brian was dedicated to maintaining a normal routine and life for them. Brian balanced his stressful career and being a full-time caretaker to me while keeping life consistent and positive for our kids. On top of being his usual involved father, Brian seamlessly took on the role of husband, mom, employee, boss, public relations consultant, advocate, confidant, counselor and family CEO. I was facing the battle of my life and had much anxiety and fear going into two brain surgeries. Brian remained calm and reassuring at all times- to me and the children. He selflessly devoted himself to my well-being, care and comfort before, during and after my 8 and 10 hour surgeries (one week apart.) He supported me when I had speech issues, making me signs to carry in case I needed to communicate. He held me when I needed assistance walking. He bathed me, managed my medications and pain and (literally and figuratively) did all the heavy lifting and caring for me and the children.

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Brian remained positive and confident in me and my course of treatment the entire time. He let me discuss my fears but always provided positive thoughts and optimism. He hugged me, held my hand and reminded me always that I would overcome these challenges. Brian, with the help of family and friends, created #teamlisa. Through my three weeks away, Brian religiously updated #teamlisa via social media. Not only was he my light of optimism and positivity, Brian provided that information and security to my family and friends around the country.

Team Lisa

Brian wasn’t in my life during my early health challenges, but I’m so thankful he was here for me during this latest, scariest one. I was able to stay positive and overcame a stroke and two brain surgeries thanks to my husband, Brian. He is my #HeroOfOptimism.

5 lessons learned; Reflections a Year After Brain Surgery

Today is a day of reflection. It marks the end of May (which was stroke awareness month) and leads into tomorrow which is the first anniversary of my first brain surgery!

I’ve looked back at the notes, messages and support from last year at this time and I’m just overwhelmed with emotion. I thought I would take a moment to review what I’ve learned during this past year. I hope my reflection serves as a Thank You to all of you who supported me AND reminds you to reflect on such lessons in your own life.

Strength

I have learned that I am braver than I thought. When faced with the tough decision of undergoing two brain surgeries, I made the decision firmly and with determination….and a little help from my friends and family. I was terrified but knew this is what I needed. Now, a year later, I see that it was the right decision.

Support

I don’t have the right words to adequately express how much and meaningful support I received this past year. My family, friends, community, old classmates, old teammates, my kids’ school, Brian’s work, American Heart Association colleagues…the list goes on and on.  I truly think that I had the biggest army of supporters ever 😉 I could write a book about ways to help somebody going through a tough time only because I experienced such amazing acts of kindness firsthand. Thank you #teamLisa. I will never forget what you did for me and my family.

Anxiety

I learned what anxiety feels like and how challenging it is to live with. Pre-surgery, I was fiercely optimistic but had many anxious thoughts and what ifs about dying. Post surgery, I was afraid to get back to life and didn’t have trust in my body. Losing my speech and suffering from TIAs were super scary. I felt nervous and anxious to do simple things like school pick up. I still have some anxious thoughts but I have come along way. I have gained a new understanding of people who suffer with anxiety on a regular basis and have become more empathetic.

New purpose

I have been a volunteer for the American Heart Association and the American Stroke Association for years but this past year has given me a new story to share with others.  In just the past few months, I have been positively rewarded with various opportunities to use my experience for good.  I served as a keynote speaker at the Go Red for Women luncheon in Boston and even filled in as a Passion Speaker at the Providence Go Red for Women luncheon. I flew to Atlanta to be part of the #StrokeHero campaign photo shoot and I was featured as the face of Alex and Ani’s Wings of Change stroke awareness bracelet.

I also became involved with a new cause, my new disease, Moyamoya disease. Never have I seen such a devoted group of patients,caregivers and doctors as I have found in the Moyamoya Facebook community. I was honored to represent this disease population when I attended Rare Disease Week in Washington DC.  I have lobbied at the State Level to increase awareness of Moyamoya Day and also hosted a small party for other local patients. Being able to take part in these activities and giveback has given me a new sense of purpose and a reminder of how amazing I feel when helping others.

Love

The most important lesson I have learned is recognizing what is important…which is love. I am blessed with tremendous, unwavering love from my family and friends.  I didn’t need to test that strength…but life-threatening illness will remind you how important you are to someone.  May each of you find such deep, thoughtful and compassionate love and friendship in your life like I have.

Today is World Moyamoya Day!

I first learned about the word Moyamoya just over a year ago after suffering my fourth stroke.

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Unfortunately, I learned that Moyamoya means “puff of smoke” in Japanese because the blood vessels in my brain looked like this during an angiogram.

After my diagnosis, I learned that there is no cure for Moyamoya disease but that the recommended treatment is surgery. Last June, I underwent two brain surgeries (a week apart) to augment the blood flow in my brain. Fortunately, despite some speech difficulty, pain and much anxiety, I had successful surgeries.

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I owe so much to my fellow Moyamoya warriors who supported me virtually (and in person) to get through my ordeal. Since my surgeries, I have become a vocal advocate for raising awareness of Moyamoya disease.

While not quite official, Moyamoya patients have started a movement to declare May 6th as World Moyamoya Day! I am proudly taking part in the day this year and asking all of you to take a minute to educate yourself.

May 6 day

According to the Stanford Moyamoya center, Moyamoya is a disease in which arteries in the base of the brain are constricted, restricting blood flow. Fragile blood vessels proliferate around the blocked artery in an attempt to bypass the blockage.

Without surgery, the majority of individuals with Moyamoya disease will experience mental decline and multiple strokes because of the progressive narrowing of arteries. Without treatment, Moyamoya disease can be fatal as the result of intracerebral hemorrhage (bleeding within the brain).

I consistently focused on this fact leading up to my decision to undergo surgeries. Despite it being a terribly difficult decision. I know I had to have surgeries!

Fortunately, I had the support of family and friends that allowed me to travel across the country for almost a month to have my surgeries with the most experienced, best adult neurosurgeon in the country.

Thank you again, #TeamLisa and Dr. Steinberg!

IMG_8206 Team Lisa

Knowing what was to come with a progressive disease, I was anxious to have the surgery and pleased that all went as expected. It was certainly a challenging, scary, anxiety-ridden, painful time but now just 11 months later, I am well.

Today, I join with other Moyamoya warriors to raise awareness and count our blessings. I’m so fortunate to have been connected to the most supportive group of patients I have ever met. Since there are so few of us in the United States (Less than one in 100,000), it was so comforting to have people to speak with before, during and after the surgeries.

Making the correct diagnosis seems like the most problematic part of Moyamoya Disease. If a patient suffers too many strokes, surgery may not be an option. Raising awareness of this disease and educating patients, EMS, hospital staff and doctors of this disease will ultimately lead to more correct diagnosis and better treatment. Help us help others!

To honor the day and create awareness of #Moyamoya, I ask you to change your profile photo on social media to this and hashtag #WorldMoyamoyaDay:

World Moyamoya Day

Today, I will spend some time reflecting on my good fortune to be on this side of surgery.  I am thankful that someone was able to diagnose me correctly with this disease. I am lucky my surgeries went well. I am fortunate to be feeling strong and finally emotionally stable. I am blessed to have a community of other Moyamoya warriors.

Pease join me in recognizing World Moyamoya Day!

We had an amazing vacation thanks to Memories of Love!

To travel is to liveI love to travel. I love to visit other places and think I love it even more now after my surgeries. I always feel most alive seeing a new place!

Fortunately, I have had the opportunity to travel much in my life. However, my fun travel has been limited this past year due to my health.

Thankfully, we just came back from an amazingly special vacation! Ironically, it’s similar to the one we took last March, but this is so much more meaningful.

After our family vacation to Florida last March, I ended up in the hospital diagnosed with another stroke. (It had been 14 years since my last stroke.) I was then diagnosed with a rare brain disease, Moyamoya disease. There is no cure for Moyamoya but the recommended treatment is brain surgery. I had to leave my children to fly across the country with my husband to California in June for two brain surgeries a week apart. It was a trying time but I was able to get through it with faith, support, courage, amazing doctors and love.

We returned to California as a family in January for post-op testing and received the amazing news that my surgeries were successful.

Upon our return from testing, my husband and I discussed the possibility of a family vacation. Many of our friends were traveling out of the country which wasn’t an option for us. We weren’t sure what we could/would swing when an amazing opportunity basically fell into our lap.

A fellow Moyamoya patient on my Facebook support group posted about a family trip that she just took thanks to a nonprofit organization called Memories of Love. Their mission is to create joyful memories for children whose parents have a life-threatening illness.

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Created in loving memory of Marty Gottlieb, Memories of Love helps create lasting and loving memories by sending the entire family for five days to Orlando, Florida for a fun-filled vacation which include five nights/six days in a hotel and tickets to Universal Studios and Sea World. (www.memoriesoflove.org)

I was intrigued and soon spoke on the phone with the organization to learn a bit more. The staff was just delightful and so helpful. We were advised to fill out an application for a wish.

We knew our window of opportunity for escaping the New England winter was short and a bit limited due to other obligations. Yet, just two days after submitting the application electronically, we were sent a hotel confirmation for March and instructions for getting our amusement park tickets. This quick turnaround enabled us to make flights to secure our trip.

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We are so appreciative of this giving organization. It’s been a rocky year so we were overjoyed for this opportunity. Relaxing by the pool and experiencing the fun of the amusement parks created amazing memories for all of us. We were treated so well the entire time- I can’t sufficiently compliment his generous and loving organization! I probably took 300 photos but here are a few of the highlights.

Visiting Springfield, Home of the Simpsons, at Universal Studios
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Enjoying a Butter Beer at Harry Potter at Islands of Adventure
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Family smiles at Sea World
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The Shamu Show at Sea World
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Enjoying the pool at our beautiful hotel!
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Meeting Shamu at Sea World

A huge THANK YOU to Memories of Love for giving us this opportunity.

Again and again, I feel so blessed.

Taking care of myself is OVERRATED

I have been doing it for the past year. Taking it easy, going with the flow and just enjoying life. I must say that overall it has provided an awesome experience for me in regaining the “live for the moment” feeling. It’s also helped me lose a bit of my somewhat restrictive and controlling Type A personality. However, I am ready to get back to just live life without restrictions. They’re getting in my way 😉

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Starting last March, I was given many directives..

Rest and relax until you know more.

Let your body heal and see if the numbness goes away.

Rest and get your body ready for surgeries.

Let your body and yourself heal from the surgeries.

You can get back to some activity but you need to listen to your body.

Go back to living your life.

So I am able but I am struggling with the balance.

I’ve adjusted over the past few months to a slow but active daytime. While the kids are at school, I try to fit in some activities that are good for me physically and therapeutically as well as some that are fun and social.

I’ve stuck a nice balance but these nighttime plans are bumming me out. I seem to crash at night which is prohibitive to seeing my working friends. Again, I guess my lesson here is patience. But sometimes I just wish I didn’t have to keep learning it.

Monday was just one example of my daily internal struggle.  I played tennis  for about an hour and a half. I had a blast it tired me out.  I came home to take a nap…and hydrate…and lay on the couch.
Tennis

I was invited to a friend’s house to watch the Bachelor that night. I don’t even watch the show but wanted to hang with my girlfriends. I felt like I shouldn’t go and that I should listen to my body. My body was telling me to stay on the couch with a big glass of water and an early bed time. I really wanted to ignore my body and feel normal!

Bachelor

While I felt sad all day about having to stay in and rest, my husband came home and told me to go. He reminded me that I don’t have to stay all night…but I should go since I miss my friends. Considering that he is usually the cautious one, I knew that I should listen to him. He is wonderful and knows that I am working hard at taking care of myself…but also that my friends mean a lot. So off I went to watch the meaningful documentary  Bachelor, with a couple of my besties. The laughter, catching up and relaxing with them while watching junk television was just what I needed.

I need to practice patience and self-care but also need to find ways to nurture myself. Friends and an encouraging husband certainly help me do that!

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Flashback: Diagnosed with my fourth stroke at the Emergency Room

A year ago today, I was battling my left sided numbness…again. It started with my leg, then spread to my arm and eventually I could feel decreased sensation in my face. Brian and I discussed going to the doctor on day three but decided to wait one additional day…plus I couldn’t miss my daughter’s Cinderella play where she was performing as the Wicked Stepsister. She did a great job and we had a fun afternoon despite not feeling 100% and hitting my wall of tired/agitation at the end of the full day. I came home that night thinking that I had better go to sleep quickly since my left side was still numb.

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On the morning of March 16, 2015,  I woke up with my left side still numb and that gut feeling that I needed to do something. After all, as a National Spokeswoman, my primary health message to others is the importance of taking action when something doesn’t feel right. How could I not follow my own advice!?

Microphone Rhode Show pic

So, I threw some clothes on and knew I had to call the doctor. I knew that the doctor’s office didn’t open until 9am so I headed to Target after dropping the kids off at school. I wanted to do the few things I had planned so I could go to the hospital without a list hanging over my head. We needed milk and I wanted to get Lucky Charms for my kids for St. Patrick’s Day breakfast. As I walked around Target, I realized that I didn’t feel well- especially when I avoided talking to everyone I knew. My head was throbbing, my left side felt numb and I knew a trip to the doctor (at least) was inevitable.

On the way home, I left a message with my rheumatologist. I then called my local neurologist who informed me I should go to the Emergency Room.

“Can I just come in and see the doctor?”

“He’s not available today and you should go to the ER.” I was in disbelief.

So off I went with the promise of my Mom meeting me at the hospital. Brian was at work but waiting for me to call if needed.

Through my work with the American Heart Association, I knew that RI Hospital was a top rated comprehensive stroke center.  I knew that was where I needed to go.  It was a rough start parking at the very chaotic parking garage at the Rhode Island Hospital Emergency Room. It took me over twenty minutes to get a parking spot: I’m lucky quick action wasn’t needed.

RI Hospital

I was happy to have my Mom with me at the hospital. Still, I was panicked and flooded with memories of my past hospital visits in my early twenties. Plus, this time I knew I had a family. It wasn’t as much about me as it was about being sure the kids are okay. Thankfully, I was able to cover school pick up and activities with a simple text to my friends.

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The day was an emotional roller coaster. Initially, the doctors were surprised when I said that I had left sided numbness and worried about stroke. They took me a bit more seriously once I said I had already had three. They moved through the motions of an admission- taking vital signs, bloodwork, urine samples and many questions. After two hours, my rheumatologist finally called and forcefully ordered a Cat Scan and EKG. A bevy of doctors passed through my room and ended with the neurologist explaining that I was being admitted for a stroke.

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I tried to stay strong but my panic kicked in as my face immediately became flushed and I started to tear up. I can’t be going through this again. What if my disease is back? How do I stay calm and composed? Thankfully my Mom and brother comforted me with a hug.

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I then asked the doctor to clarify. “So, you think this could be a fourth stroke but will be doing more tests overnight to see if this might not be true?”  Yes, he confirms.

As the doctor leaves the room, I burst into tears thinking that CNSV is back and how I will have to start treatment again. What will the kids think? Will I be okay? Who will pick them up from school? What will they think when I am not home to tuck them into bed?

This is terrible.

Flashback: My life before everything happened…

I look back at the photos of my life last March and it seems like a lifetime ago. I was leading a very full and extremely busy lifestyle.

Happy familySure, I was probably doing too much (a lesson I’ve learned this past year) but I was loving life. I was serving as a National Go Red for Women Spokeswomen for the American Heart Association, serving as Vice President of the Parent Teacher Organization, leading a Girl Scout troop of 24 girls, playing tennis twice a week, doing my kids’ library twice a week, being a room parent, and driving my kids to/from multiple activities each day. I was busy but satisfied. A few key events that happened in early 2015 were our annual family vacation and an amazing heart month in February while serving as a National Spokeswomen.

Being selected as a National Go Red for Women Real Women in September 2014 was such a cool experience. I was asked to share my personal stroke story with a national audience along with eight other ladies (my heart sisters!) We were flown out to Los Angles for training and photo/video shoot. We were treated like the “talent” and didn’t feel like a bunch of survivors but rather old friends with something very special in common. I still giggle at my serious photo that was used nationally for awareness. So funny considering I smile most of the time.

Official Go Red photoFebruary was the busy month starting with a trip to New York City for the Go Red Fashion Show during NYC’s Fashion Week and culminating with the local GRFW luncheons. My heart sisters and I were also treated like celebrities during these events where we raised awareness and had a ton of fun. Some of the highlights are captured in the photos below.

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Our annual family vacation also took place in early March. I traveled with my husband, kids and my parents to Orlando. We laid by the pool, relaxed, went to Universal Studios where we rode every exhilarating ride, ate out tons and just had a blast together! You can see the pure joy in our family photos.

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Another highlight from last March was a friend’s 40th birthday party. Held locally, it was a fun mixture of some of my closest friends and some school acquaintances. The party was a great crowd with yummy appetizers, plenty of drinks and old school music. I may have even hit the dance floor 😉 It was a fun, carefree night that I often look back at as my last hurrah!

My last hurrah!

Flashbacks: Revisiting the emotions and experiences of the most turbulent year of my life

Snoopy quoteOne year ago this week, my life changed forever. March 16th began my “new story” of stroke, Moyamoya disease, double brain surgery and recovery.

Dain BramagedStarting this week, I am running a blog series- mostly for personal therapy- revisiting the events of last year. I documented throughout the past year as my coping mechanism. While I shared many posts and feelings, I certainly left some emotions and thoughts on the paper for my eyes only. Some of my inner most feelings were too frightening and depressing to share.

Yet now that I am on the road to recovery, I think sharing my experience will assist others going through tough times. You don’t have to be facing life threatening disease and surgeries to experience a range of scary and emotional moments.   Perhaps revisiting these times will help others…and I know it will help me to achieve full recovery!

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So if you would like, feel free to follow this space to remember what the most terrifying…and joyful…moments of our life felt like.

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